So I haven't really lived up to my promise to keep up with this more. in part, life has just gotten too complicated, in ways that don't feel appropriate for blogging. in some ways, I feel like the last couple of months have really ceased to be about me (which would make them appropriate for blogging) and have been about everyone else's crises. which has been, selfishly, at times frustrating.
but here I am..... perhaps too much to catch up on, so I think (although I'm sure this won't draw any readers) I'll just jump right in to what I'm thinking right now. post difficult conversation with the boyfriend.
so here's what I'm thinking, logically or illogically..... I come from a stable family. stable meaning my parents are still together, my family is still intact. not something to be taken for granted, I know. I have so many friends from split families, sometimes in which they never knew one of their parents, or sometimes in which their parents harboured many bad feelings toward each other. and I am very very thankful that my parents are still together, and still good friends, and still love each other. but many of my friends from those split families have a difficult time with forging their own relationships with a significant other. and often they cite the failure of their parents to provide a good example, or the fear of abandonment as instilled by one parent, as reasons for their lack of trust in other people. which are totally legitimate and reasonable explanations for their failures in the relationship department. I don't have these excuses - my parents love each other, have rarely if ever argued in front of me, have always made a point of "being there" for me. nevertheless, I clearly have issues with trusting people, whether its friends, or boyfriends, or professional relationships. I always have a backup plan in mind, I'm always looking for that first sign that someone is losing interest. and it hit me tonight, after (admittedly) three glasses of wine with my friend V (who never really knew her father, and certainly has issues with trusting men), maybe if you never learned, early on, not to trust people, maybe it hits you that much harder, as an adult, when you realize you have been naive. when you realize that even the best guys eventually get bored with you, or frustrated with you, or have expectations that you can't meet. especially when you are one of those people (and I think most people are) who wants to get everything right, all the time. and having to realize that you can't, over and over and over again.
not that its the same, as losing trust early on, but that its still significant.
clearly I'm not in the cheeriest state of mind. its weird..... my boyfriend went through something really significant (sorry, I'm overusing this word, but....) over the past couple of months, and I tried (and, I think, more or less succeeded) to be there for him during that. and I felt like it gave me (well, I felt like it gave "us", but am figuring out that the "we" versus "me" part was maybe just in my imagination) a new perspective on our relationship, and a new appreciation for each other. but then we had our first (post significant event) fight, and within minutes everything seems to be back in the (bad) place it was in pre-significant-event. and I realized that it was just a sort of transient calm, and that very little really changed. and that I am doing the same things, and having the same expectations, that I was in my last bad relationship. and that maybe I haven't learned as much as I thought I had. which sort of sucks.
more cheery and pretentiously deep thoughts later....
but here I am..... perhaps too much to catch up on, so I think (although I'm sure this won't draw any readers) I'll just jump right in to what I'm thinking right now. post difficult conversation with the boyfriend.
so here's what I'm thinking, logically or illogically..... I come from a stable family. stable meaning my parents are still together, my family is still intact. not something to be taken for granted, I know. I have so many friends from split families, sometimes in which they never knew one of their parents, or sometimes in which their parents harboured many bad feelings toward each other. and I am very very thankful that my parents are still together, and still good friends, and still love each other. but many of my friends from those split families have a difficult time with forging their own relationships with a significant other. and often they cite the failure of their parents to provide a good example, or the fear of abandonment as instilled by one parent, as reasons for their lack of trust in other people. which are totally legitimate and reasonable explanations for their failures in the relationship department. I don't have these excuses - my parents love each other, have rarely if ever argued in front of me, have always made a point of "being there" for me. nevertheless, I clearly have issues with trusting people, whether its friends, or boyfriends, or professional relationships. I always have a backup plan in mind, I'm always looking for that first sign that someone is losing interest. and it hit me tonight, after (admittedly) three glasses of wine with my friend V (who never really knew her father, and certainly has issues with trusting men), maybe if you never learned, early on, not to trust people, maybe it hits you that much harder, as an adult, when you realize you have been naive. when you realize that even the best guys eventually get bored with you, or frustrated with you, or have expectations that you can't meet. especially when you are one of those people (and I think most people are) who wants to get everything right, all the time. and having to realize that you can't, over and over and over again.
not that its the same, as losing trust early on, but that its still significant.
clearly I'm not in the cheeriest state of mind. its weird..... my boyfriend went through something really significant (sorry, I'm overusing this word, but....) over the past couple of months, and I tried (and, I think, more or less succeeded) to be there for him during that. and I felt like it gave me (well, I felt like it gave "us", but am figuring out that the "we" versus "me" part was maybe just in my imagination) a new perspective on our relationship, and a new appreciation for each other. but then we had our first (post significant event) fight, and within minutes everything seems to be back in the (bad) place it was in pre-significant-event. and I realized that it was just a sort of transient calm, and that very little really changed. and that I am doing the same things, and having the same expectations, that I was in my last bad relationship. and that maybe I haven't learned as much as I thought I had. which sort of sucks.
more cheery and pretentiously deep thoughts later....
posted by Neurotica at 10:24 PM
1 Comments:
irl,
If you mean by your "last bad relationship" the one you had with JA, then I think you have learned a great deal in the time that has passed.
It's easy to find invidious similarities between a current bad relationship and a prior bad relationship when you have only a few to use as standards.
As a long-time reader, I've seen genuine progress in your ability to cope with adversity. My unasked-for advice is: keep it up.
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