Here's a question for M, my first real boyfriend. what did we fight about? because I know we fought, I know that there were times when I felt panicky, and angry, and trapped around you. and I know that, although I will always want you as a friend, I no longer want you as a significant other. But when I looked back on my relationships, you're the only one that I felt really knew me, the real me, and accepted (most of) me, insecurities and all. do I feel this way because so much time has passed, because all the bad parts are (mostly) forgotten and only the good parts remain? or because I didn't know myself as well back then? or have my insecurities simply grown so much, over the past 10 years, that they are no longer bearable, when once they were?

J and I are in a bad place. and we can't seem to communicate, effectively at least, about it, which makes me think we will not be able to get back to a good place. and a lot of it is stemming from my insecurities (and some of it from his). we had two big blowouts this week. both initiated by me. but he was the one to bring up the breaking up part of it. he was the one to make the jump from "we need to fix this" to "it can't be fixed". then he took it back, sortof, and said he wanted to work on things. which is apparently to be followed by a weekend of squeezing me in between other social engagements. with other women.