I just woke up, following this really strange and terrible dream, and thought I'd write it down before I forgot. though already the details are starting to slip and I am not sure its something I want to remember anyway. perhaps it speaks a little too well of all the insecurities I pretend I no longer really have.
In my dream I am in my apartment with my mother, waiting on someone to drop off a package. we are just chatting, and she says something slightly deregatory about her self (I can't remember this clearly, but likely about her weight - my mother has always obsessed about her weight). I of course step in and tell her I think she looks great (she really does, both in the dream and real life). This someone segues (sp?) into how she is sorry that I am not more attractive. how my younger sister got all of her and my dad's good features, while I didn't get any of them. how she wishes that she was better off, so that she could afford to help me out with a little cosmetic surgery. I protest, saying that I know I had a lot of ankward phases growing up, and that I've never been a really pretty girl, but that I feel like I grew into my looks somewhat and mostly think of myself as attractive these days. but she just shakes her head, and insists that I am not. eventually I get angry with her, asking her why she would want to tell me something so cruel. she says she is sorry, she really is, to have to tell me this, but its true and she feels like it needed to be said. the next part is vague, I guess she leaves, and the dream shifts to one of me running (in the same neighborhood as my dream apartment). given that in real life running is my make-myself-feel-better strategy, I suspect even my dream self couldn't handle this and essentially decided to run away.
In real life, my mother would never ever say anything about this. she has always been a loving, kind mother. I have, however, felt like I have really disappointed her in more recent years, in terms of my professional and personal choices. And I do have a very clear memory (at quite a young age) of a relative saying something to this effect - that I looked like one parent, my twin sis looked like the other (odd, as this relative could never differentiate us anyway, but....), and that my youngest sister got the best of both parents. Although I don't think this relative meant it to sound this way, it has remained very clear in my memory and I suspect was one of the first times I began to realize that my little sis was very pretty and I .... wasn't.
my mother has been on my mind a lot the past few days, as I tried calling her several times and recieved no reply, which eventually I decided was odd and began to worry about. I was also having trouble reaching my sisters and somewhere in my head began to create some scenario that something bad had happened and no one was telling me. this particular insecurity stems (at least somewhat) from the fact that my relationship with my twin sis is somewhat strained these days as she has been a little judgemental about my involvement in the family, and in my own insecurity and paranoia I can almost tell myself that she might keep some sort of information from me just to make a point (in my more secure moments, I know this likely isn't true). in any case, the strained relationship with her has served to make me feel even more disconnected from the rest of the family, and less willing to become more involved and thus available for judgement.
And the insecurity about how I look.... in general I feel about this the same way that I stated in the dream. I used to be terribly gawky and adorned with braces and glasses, way back in junior high. but I have always thought I came into my own more in college. and that while I will never ever be the prettiest girl in the room (or even the second prettiest), I am generally someone thought of as relatively attractive (wow, I put a lot of qualifiers on that). maybe that [dream feeling] stems from a general lack of high self esteem lately, mostly just because school has been terribly hard (and I've let that time/energy crunch turn into not so much exercising, which I know is a mistake) and the boyfriend situation is complicated and disappointing of late. or perhaps its been on my mind more lately as I recently took a road trip with a good friend, one who is still super-attractive and grew up that way, in the whole "I was a cheerleader and terribly popular" kind of fashion. we were (on this trip) at some point having a conversation in which it became clear to me that (with the exception of having put on a few pounds that she is always trying to take off) she has never thought of herself as unattractive, and usually thinks that she will be one of the more attractive people in the room. which made me stop and think a bit, about what that must be like. which in general I just can't imagine. (just an aside to bitch for a moment, she was also, that night, doing that really annoying thing some people do of putting themselves down in a way that both a.) is actually flattering themselves (i.e. my curly auburn hair always just stands out so much as all the other women (myself included) always have such straight hair) and b.) somehow seems to require that you, the listener, step in and assure them that really, in this case, your hair is so much more beautiful. this is one of my pet peeves.)
In any case, the dream was disorienting and likely doesn't say anything positive about the state of my life right now. and as such probably isn't worth thinking about too much. but I did want to get it down, before the details got too hazy and vague, as it seems like the sort of thing people generally write about.
In my dream I am in my apartment with my mother, waiting on someone to drop off a package. we are just chatting, and she says something slightly deregatory about her self (I can't remember this clearly, but likely about her weight - my mother has always obsessed about her weight). I of course step in and tell her I think she looks great (she really does, both in the dream and real life). This someone segues (sp?) into how she is sorry that I am not more attractive. how my younger sister got all of her and my dad's good features, while I didn't get any of them. how she wishes that she was better off, so that she could afford to help me out with a little cosmetic surgery. I protest, saying that I know I had a lot of ankward phases growing up, and that I've never been a really pretty girl, but that I feel like I grew into my looks somewhat and mostly think of myself as attractive these days. but she just shakes her head, and insists that I am not. eventually I get angry with her, asking her why she would want to tell me something so cruel. she says she is sorry, she really is, to have to tell me this, but its true and she feels like it needed to be said. the next part is vague, I guess she leaves, and the dream shifts to one of me running (in the same neighborhood as my dream apartment). given that in real life running is my make-myself-feel-better strategy, I suspect even my dream self couldn't handle this and essentially decided to run away.
In real life, my mother would never ever say anything about this. she has always been a loving, kind mother. I have, however, felt like I have really disappointed her in more recent years, in terms of my professional and personal choices. And I do have a very clear memory (at quite a young age) of a relative saying something to this effect - that I looked like one parent, my twin sis looked like the other (odd, as this relative could never differentiate us anyway, but....), and that my youngest sister got the best of both parents. Although I don't think this relative meant it to sound this way, it has remained very clear in my memory and I suspect was one of the first times I began to realize that my little sis was very pretty and I .... wasn't.
my mother has been on my mind a lot the past few days, as I tried calling her several times and recieved no reply, which eventually I decided was odd and began to worry about. I was also having trouble reaching my sisters and somewhere in my head began to create some scenario that something bad had happened and no one was telling me. this particular insecurity stems (at least somewhat) from the fact that my relationship with my twin sis is somewhat strained these days as she has been a little judgemental about my involvement in the family, and in my own insecurity and paranoia I can almost tell myself that she might keep some sort of information from me just to make a point (in my more secure moments, I know this likely isn't true). in any case, the strained relationship with her has served to make me feel even more disconnected from the rest of the family, and less willing to become more involved and thus available for judgement.
And the insecurity about how I look.... in general I feel about this the same way that I stated in the dream. I used to be terribly gawky and adorned with braces and glasses, way back in junior high. but I have always thought I came into my own more in college. and that while I will never ever be the prettiest girl in the room (or even the second prettiest), I am generally someone thought of as relatively attractive (wow, I put a lot of qualifiers on that). maybe that [dream feeling] stems from a general lack of high self esteem lately, mostly just because school has been terribly hard (and I've let that time/energy crunch turn into not so much exercising, which I know is a mistake) and the boyfriend situation is complicated and disappointing of late. or perhaps its been on my mind more lately as I recently took a road trip with a good friend, one who is still super-attractive and grew up that way, in the whole "I was a cheerleader and terribly popular" kind of fashion. we were (on this trip) at some point having a conversation in which it became clear to me that (with the exception of having put on a few pounds that she is always trying to take off) she has never thought of herself as unattractive, and usually thinks that she will be one of the more attractive people in the room. which made me stop and think a bit, about what that must be like. which in general I just can't imagine. (just an aside to bitch for a moment, she was also, that night, doing that really annoying thing some people do of putting themselves down in a way that both a.) is actually flattering themselves (i.e. my curly auburn hair always just stands out so much as all the other women (myself included) always have such straight hair) and b.) somehow seems to require that you, the listener, step in and assure them that really, in this case, your hair is so much more beautiful. this is one of my pet peeves.)
In any case, the dream was disorienting and likely doesn't say anything positive about the state of my life right now. and as such probably isn't worth thinking about too much. but I did want to get it down, before the details got too hazy and vague, as it seems like the sort of thing people generally write about.
posted by Neurotica at 5:39 AM
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