He's going through something incredibly difficult. It is somehow making me love him more. Is it just because I feel needed???? or is it that this incredibly difficult thing is breaking down barriers? why is loving someone so hard to figure out? It should be the simplest thing in the world.

I'm a mess of emotions lately. not really something I am comfortable with. trying to be there for him and disappointed in myself as I realize most of what I am feeling is ultimately selfish. spent yesterday in the depths of despair, feeling as though he didn't need or want my help. now that he does, feeling obtusely worried about whether I will really be able to give it in the right spirit.

despite the incredibly difficult thing, spent much of last week obsessing over a random comment made by a random person that maybe possibly insinuated that I am right to feel suspicious about his Overly Interested Friend Who Is A Girl. The one who never invites me to her parties and fails to recognize me (at least in any way obvious to me) as his girlfriend. received a somewhat cold inquiry from this OIFWIAG about the incredibly difficult thing. An inquiry that tried its best not to acknowledge that I might know more about the incredibly difficult thing than she did. I feel this is portentous (which I think means of significance?) but at the same time is probably something that should not be brought up. but still can tell that this situation (this situation referring, I suppose, really just to his relationship with the OIFWIAG) is likely to blow up as soon as the incredibly difficult thing has been given enough time. which makes me like myself less - I should be someone who can let this go. but I'm not convinced that I am.

am feeling more and more disillusioned with this. I know that he is away, and that it is different when you are "away" than when you are the person left behind. I know he said it might be "good for us" to have some time apart. I also know he said he would call, and he hasn't, and despite myself I am waiting on it, and all I'm left with is feeling empty.

our relationship is in a bad place, and its been there before, but I felt like before we were both in it together. both trying to make it better together. now its just me. alone. feeling empty.

To J:

Here are (the?) things that bother me:

1.) We cannot end this with you calling me a bitch and screaming at me to get out of your apartment. I deserved that (really, I did, I nagged until all hours of the night), but still....Your friendship is too important to me. and we have to work together for at least another year, and I'm not sure how I would do that if I had to know that's how you feel about me.

2.) You chose her. It may have been just for a night, and it may have been a special occasion, but still.... you chose her. Over me. After I made it very very clear that it was a big issue for me. That choice only made it more of a big issue.

3.) Subconsciously or consciously, you do not include me when you are with her. Obviously having me around must change the dynamic in some way. Maybe it's just that you have to watch out for me, to integrate me, when I'm there, and that's more work than relaxing. But maybe its more. I trust you, but maybe it's more.

4.) You cannot spend the night (sleeping bag or not) at another woman's house without telling me. This is not me being jealous. This is normal. I've taken a poll.

5.) Many of our friends, who have been dating much less time than we have, are now engaged, or married, or at least live together. We aren't anywhere close to that. Part of me argues that all relationships follow their own path. But part of me wonders that if we were right this would have happened for us too.

6.) You are the best person I have ever dated. I love you. But I've never been quite sure if I'm ready to give up all the single person behavior that made up my life before you.

Here's a question for M, my first real boyfriend. what did we fight about? because I know we fought, I know that there were times when I felt panicky, and angry, and trapped around you. and I know that, although I will always want you as a friend, I no longer want you as a significant other. But when I looked back on my relationships, you're the only one that I felt really knew me, the real me, and accepted (most of) me, insecurities and all. do I feel this way because so much time has passed, because all the bad parts are (mostly) forgotten and only the good parts remain? or because I didn't know myself as well back then? or have my insecurities simply grown so much, over the past 10 years, that they are no longer bearable, when once they were?

J and I are in a bad place. and we can't seem to communicate, effectively at least, about it, which makes me think we will not be able to get back to a good place. and a lot of it is stemming from my insecurities (and some of it from his). we had two big blowouts this week. both initiated by me. but he was the one to bring up the breaking up part of it. he was the one to make the jump from "we need to fix this" to "it can't be fixed". then he took it back, sortof, and said he wanted to work on things. which is apparently to be followed by a weekend of squeezing me in between other social engagements. with other women.